Cast of Characters
ELISHA THE PROPHET: A balding middle aged man aged, 40+, dressed in average ‘Dad’ clothes, carrying a staff. Note that whenever he says the word ‘Lord’ he bellows it as “LORD!”
TOM: A youth in modern clothes, aged teens to 20s, dressed Chav style in all red.
DICK: A youth in modern clothes, aged teens to 20s, dressed Chav style in all blue.
THE GREATER BEAR: A male person, dressed in brown, portraying a male adult bear, aged 40+.
THE LESSER BEAR: A female person, dressed in brown, playing a female adult bear, aged 40+.
Place: A road next to a park in a city.
Time: The Present.
Bears, Bewilderments, and the Road to Bethel
Or, What About Harry?
Setting: A city street next to a park.
At Rise: ELISHA THE PROPHET enters the stage from the left. He is dressed in a casual sweater and pants, in middle-aged “Dad” style. He is holding a staff.
ELISHA
(Enters from the left. He cranes his head around, looking lost.)
Ah, who would’ve known the road to Bethel would be so convoluted to follow. It cannot be much farther. At this rate, I’ve been walking for days…Ah! Nothing to do for it but continue on. The LORD guides my steps.
TOM
(Enters from the right, pointing at Elisha.)
Oi, mate. Mate! Look what we got here! Come on, baldy, go ahead! Keep walking!
DICK
(His mate DICK also enters from the right, pointing and laughing at Elisha.)
Baldy! Bet he’s looking for the hair he lost, right? Go on, baldy, find it! Must be here somewhere!
TOM
Yeah, poor baldy can’t find his hair!
(They both point and laugh mockingly at Elisha, chanting “Baldy, baldy!”)
ELISHA
(Stops, sighing loudly and staring down the youths.)
What satisfaction can you derive from this? What petty measure of joy can you find in such malevolence? Children, children, I implore you. Cease this mindless hostility, or there will be consequences, swift and brutal.
YOUTHS
(They laugh in unison.)
TOM
Whatcha gonna do, baldy? Beat me up? Beat us both up? You couldn’t beat up a fly, wimp! Geezer!
DICK
That’s right, innit! Look at him! He couldn’t lift a brick.
TOM
He’d probably pass out trying to take a swing!
ELISHA
(Sighs, grasping his staff with both hands and looking over the youths.)
You have one more chance. Apologize and show me the courtesy I am due, or suffer the consequences.
DICK
Aw, he’s threatening us! Innit that cute!
TOM
That’s it, yeah! He doesn’t even have the guts to try anything, betcha.
DICK
Ooh, this will be fun…
ELISHA
(He begins mumbling, rhythmically tapping his staff on the ground.)
Well, you asked for this…hear me, O LORD! Hear me, God of Israel and Abraham, God of my fathers and their fathers before them! I call upon thee to grant me the aid of thine terrible wrath, and teacheth these miserable hooligans why they should be courteous to their elders! Send me assistance!
(The backdrop shakes, and there is audible growling and roaring from offstage. The youths gasp in unison, bunching up and backing away from Elisha and the left side of the stage. From stage left, the LESSER BEAR and GREATER BEAR enter.)
ELISHA
Behold! Tremble before the fury of the LORD, and be reduced to mere bloody shreds upon the ground! Let none this day doubt that those who blaspheme and commit sacrilege shall be punished by the swift and terrible sword of our God, the LORD of the Chosen People.
TOM
Hey! What’s that—hey keep them away from us!
DICK
Are those bears? Oh, no—no no no!
TOM
Come on, we gotta book it!
(The youths are cornered by the bears, and cannot flee.)
TOM
They’ve got us cornered!
DICK
We’ll never get past them! We’re trapped.
GREATER BEAR
(The bear slowly approaches the youths, staring at them quietly. It speaks)
Hmm… these are the hooligans we were sent to deal with? Disappointing. These seem too juicy, too soft. I was hoping for something harder, something tougher. They’re all jiggly.
LESSER BEAR
(Also approaches the youths.)
I too think these hooligans are not worth the time. They are too solid to be truly satisfying. Look at those flexed muscles as they panic. So bulky. Disgusting.
ELISHA
(Scratching his head in confusion.)
This… should not be how this goes. Not at all, not at all! Why are you speaking? Why aren’t you eating! Go forth, bears, savage them in the LORD’s name!
GREATER BEAR
I don’t think I will. As I said, these squishy hooligans are not right for me.
LESSER BEAR
Nor for me. I would not think of tearing into stringy morsels such as these!
(The youths cower in fear and moan in confusion.)
ELISHA
I am bewildered. Bewildered, I say. Why dost thou act this way? Are you not sent by the LORD to mete out his unending wrath? Are you not agents of my deliverance, in the face of trial?
GREATER BEAR
Not particularly. We came here to get ourselves a meal, but it seems the offerings are woefully inadequate. Look at them, all gooey. They’re like melted puddings. Like cheese that was left out in the sun. Who could ever eat something like that?
LESSER BEAR
Woefully inadequate indeed. Look at them, all hard-bodied and dense. Like week old stale bread. No thank you.
GREATER BEAR
Nonsense. They’re too swollen and flabby, like overstuffed pillows. What is the joy in such a treat? There is none, none at all.
LESSER BEAR
I’ve been meaning to go on a diet anyway. They’re just making it easy. But surely, there is one who would enjoy these sorry little meats? Someone who would find them sweet?
ELISHA
Would this someone be also a vessel of the LORD’s will? Will they finally sate the vengeance in mine heart, and speed me upon mine way to Bethel?
(The bears sigh, looking at each other. They speak in unison.)
BEARS
Probably not.
TOM
W-what is going on! What is any of this? Why are these bears talking to us, how is this even possible? Are they going to eat us! Are we going to be mauled? Are we going to die? Are they going to blind us, like mice?
DICK
This is crazy! Let’s escape, we can outrun them, we just need to try!
TOM
They’re just bears, even if they talk! We can scare ‘em off!
BEARS
(In unison, sounding exasperated.)
No, you can’t.
ELISHA
This is becoming truly unfathomable. I demand that you destroy these insolent whelps at once! That is the purpose for which I called you, and that is the purpose you will serve! Eat them! Now!
BEARS
(In unison)
No.
GREATER BEAR
We will do nothing of the sort. These ruffians are too soft and flimsy a meal for me, and too brutish and tough for the Lesser Bear. Though, perhaps we do know someone for whom they are an appropriate meal.
LESSER BEAR
Do you mean… Oh! It would be a wonderful spot of fun to have a meal with the Least Bear. Yes! I think she would find these vagabonds a delectable morsel! And family dinnertime is so important. This meal is too soft for you, too hard for me, but surely just right for her. Is it settled, then?
GREATER BEAR
It is settled. The Least Bear must be somewhere amidst these hills.
LESSER BEAR
Streets.
GREATER BEAR
Streets. Whatever. We will seek her out, and deliver to her her meal!
ELISHA
Family time, what? You’re a family of bears?
LESSER BEAR
(Huffing in irritation)
Of course. What did you think we were? Some cheap one night shag that just rolled out of the pub when you snapped your fingers?
GREATER BEAR
(Growling)
A cheap fling My Lady Wife is most certainly not.
ELISHA
(Backing away a bit himself.)
Forgive me Great bears, great servants of the LORD, I meant no offense.
LESSER BEAR
(Tossing her head in frustration.)
We’re not Great bears, we’re the Greater and Lesser bears. Please do pay attention.
ELISHA
Of course, my profoundest apologies, oh Greater and Lesser smiters of the sinful. It’s just that I, well, the LORD led me to believe that my agents of deliverance would be two Shebears, not a he and a she bear. When you said you were a family, I became quite confused.
GREATER BEAR
Oh honeycomb, I get it now, I see what he’s on about. He was trying to reach Dawn and Margie. They’re the Shebears, we’re the three bears. I think you got your signals crossed. Dialed a wrong number with the Lord somehow.
LESSER BEAR
That might not turn out so well for you. The Lord can be a tad particular in his ways, you could say.
GREATER BEAR
Getting your prayers wrong, tsk, tsk. Someone your age should really know better. Aren’t you a professional prophet and all?
ELISHA
I am a Servant of the LORD, but this conundrum…
(Trails off in confusion.)
TOM
We won’t get our prayers wrong. Pray Dick, pray!
DICK
I‘m praying as fast as I can, innit?
(DICK moans in fear. TOM and DICK fall to their knees in terror and pray.)
LESSER BEAR
We could call Dawn and Margie for you, maybe you could sort it out with them? Honeypie, are the Shebears usually free on Wednesdays?
GREATER BEAR
I’m not sure, my little bee hive. Don’t they have that home repairs and the female-headed-household class? At the hardware store?
LESSER BEAR
Oh that’s right, they’re converting the den to a nursery, now that they’ve picked out their sperm donor and all.
ELISHA
Sperm donor? Sperm donor? The sin of Onanism? What in the name of all that is Holy? What? (ELISHA rub his head in agitation.)
GREATER BEAR
Well, yes of course. How else do you think two females have a baby?
LESSER BEAR
(Shaking her head.)
He’s so old-fashioned. You’d think he never met a lesbian couple before. How regressive.
The LESSER BEAR clucks disapprovingly.
ELISHA
(Shrieking.)
Lesbian? Lesbian? There are lesbian vengeance bears now? They serve His wrath? How is this even possible? Does the LORD know about this?
GREATER BEAR
Of course Elisha, the Lord knows all.
TOM
We know about lesbians, yes we do. We’ve met lesbian couples before!
DICK
Lots of them. Tons of lesbians. Heaps of them. We just love them
TOM
Can’t get enough of the lesbians. Erm.
(Looks at Dick and trails off.)
ELISHA
(Sits down on the sidewalk.)
This can’t be happening. I just have to clear my head a little.
(He raises his hands to the Heavens.)
LORD, hear me, O Mighty One…
LESSER BEAR
(Pulling out a cellphone.)
Oh for the Lord’s sake, Elisha, there’s an easier way. It’s ringing.
(Pause.)
Hi honeybear, it’s your mother. Yes, Dad’s here too. Uh huh, uh hum, yes, I’ll tell him.
GREATER BEAR
Tell me what?
LESSER BEAR
(Turning to the GREATER BEAR.)
She says to remind you to take your cholesterol medication.
(GREATER BEAR groans.)
LESSER BEAR
Well you know how he eats, always says they’re too soft, he only wants the hardest ones. Then they’re so dense, it’s simply too much protein. I know, just ick. Anyhoo, my little jam pot, we’re in a bit of a pickle here, I was hoping you could help, and we could spend some quality time together.
GREATER BEAR
The Shebears, tell her about the Shebears.
LESSER BEAR
(Waving impatiently.)
Oh right. Well, we were summoned for a bit of smiting, but you see the smitees really aren’t to our taste. It’s like the takeout place sent the wrong order. These little deviants would be perfect for the Shebears, but your father said to remind you they’re at their class tonight, so they can’t come. Yes, isn’t it marvelous. They’re learning to build their own chairs and beds, can you imagine? Now if only your father would, well never mind…
(THE GREATER BEAR starts poking at the two youths. They scream and whimper.)
GREATER BEAR
Maybe I could make do with a spot of hooligan after all, feeling right peckish now. Hmm.
LESSER BEAR
So we were wondering if you could come over for some supper.
(She pauses and eyes the youths.)
Well, they’re not much to look at, more of a light tea really. Kind of remind me of that Goldilocks character, nasty little delinquent. Can’t believe how she ruined our nice supper. Yes, she’s still on parole I think. If I ever see her again, (growls) And that chair was an heirloom too! From my Fairy Godmother no less! But if you could come by for a bite, it would be ever so helpful. Oh. Oh. Well, I see. All right darling, pop by tomorrow won’t you? Fine, fine, that’ll be lovely. Bye now.
GREATER BEAR
What is it? Can’t she come?
LESSER BEAR
No love, ‘fraid not. She already had her meal. Some bloke called Harry. Appears he was chatting her up, introduced himself as Harry and she thought he was calling her hairy, and you know how sensitive she is about her appearance.
GREATER BEAR
Of course, of course. She’s at a delicate age. So what happened? He had to take her out for an apology dinner?
LESSER BEAR
Hmm, no, not exactly. No, that’s not quite it. Well, the long and the short of it is, well, she ate him all up, so she can’t help us out with our little situation here. She’s full.
TOM
No, not Harry!
DICK
No, they got poor old Harry too!
(The youths sob.)
LESSER BEAR
(Sighing.)
So I guess it’s up to us after all.
GREATER BEAR
(Poking skeptically at the youths.)
Hmmm, maybe. But my cholesterol. Don’t want the Least Bear to worry about her old Dad.
LESSER BEAR
True, you really shouldn’t be eating the likes of these.
(THE BEARS turn and look at Elisha.)
TOM
They don’t want to eat us.
DICK
Are we saved?
ELISHA
This is not happening. This. is. not.
TOM
(Exultant.)
Yeah baldy, you lose!
DICK
I can see my reflection on that head of yours. You bent over old graybeard!
TOM
Yeah, Methusalah, nothing you can do!
LESSER BEAR
That’s not Methusaleh. Youth of today, so ignorant!
ELISHA
I have just about had it. I am on my last nerve right about now. Oh LORD, mightiest of the mighty, show me the way! God of my Fathers, show me thine will.
(Pauses.)
Oh, oh. Really? Well, OK then, hey a commandment’s a commandment. Thy will be done.
(ELISHA bends over, does a few stretching exercises. He starts shadowboxing.)
TOM
The old gaffer’s done lost it.
DICK
Serves him right, after poor Harry.
GREATER BEAR
Well, technically that was the Least Bear’s doing all on her own.
LESSER BEAR
(Proudly.)
Our little girl, so grown up.
(The BEARS nod approvingly at each other. ELISHA takes a step back from the youths.)
ELISHA
They always say, God helps those who help themselves. Good thing I skipped lunch. Oh, how convoluted is the road to Bethel…
(ELISHA screams wildly and runs at the youths. They shriek and the CURTAIN closes.)
LESSER BEAR
(Speaking from behind the CURTAIN.)
He forgot to say Grace.
GREATER BEAR
That’ll come back to bite him.
(Chuckles.)
LESSER BEAR
What terrible table manners he has. He bites them too hard.
GREATER BEAR
Appalling. Look how he gums them too soft.
ELISHA
(Above the muffled screams that are dying off.)
Yet somehow this feels just right.
END
✶✶✶✶
Tain Leonard-Peck writes poetry, plays, and short stories, and is completing his first novel. An actor, monologist and model, he also paints, composes music, and is a competitive sailor, skier, and fencer. His work has been published in the 2020 Anthology of Youth Writing on Human Rights & Social Justice, TAEM, Sleet Magazine, The Elevation Review, Idle Ink, Crack The Spine Magazine, The Riva Collective, Molecule, Multiplicity Magazine, Czykmate, and others. He won honorable mention for the Creators of Literary Justice Award, by IHRAF, the largest human rights art festival in the world, was a finalist for #ENOUGH: Plays to End Gun Violence, and won the first place Poetry Fellowship to the Martha’s Vineyard Institute of Creative Writing.
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