Characters
AUDRIE
Assistant Attorney General (state-level prosecutor), thirties. Classy, organized, goes 1000% into her career and fitness almost as a compulsion. She keeps exacting standards for others, but especially herself. She knows she’s pushing too hard but doesn’t see a way to ease up. Historically has applied this strategy to relationships and is single as a result. More DC than Baltimore, but with an artistic side. Admires Sidney’s idealism without fully agreeing with his specific convictions (liberal but more skeptical about criminal defendants). If you didn’t know her, you might think she was on an upper drug during act 1. A little more dialed back in the second act.
In the first act, Audrie is oblivious to Sidney as anything but a competent but mildly irritating (in part because of the earnestness she admires) adversary, until his proposition at the end. She accepts the proposition at face value as a means to step off the rat race and make a life change. In act 2, after Sidney shows some backbone she falls in love with him as someone who can embrace her flaws while keeping her most extreme versions in check. When she uses the term “our business” in the second half, she increasingly means “our future relationship.”
SIDNEY
A state-level public defender (defense attorney), thirtyish. Bright, idealist, a bit too adaptable to others’ extreme behavior. In the first act, he is in love with Audrie. In the second act, he has accepted their fate as business partners.
AARON
Audrie’s paralegal. Passionate vegan but not, like, a jerk about it. In some sense, he represents Sidney at his most idealist. Aaron’s space is a bit messier and disorganized.
DESIREE
Court reporter/stenographer. Avid meat-eater but not, like, a jerk about it. Raised on a farm in Montana and loves the outdoors, and has a respect for and real-world understanding of animal husbandry that is aware but untroubled, having been normalized since childhood. She likes her typewriter area organized and tidy.
MARGE
Defendant #1. A leather-biker type, even if not dressed that way, any adult age. In some sense, she represents an extreme version of Audrie’s unbridled id. Specifically, how her intensity could come to dominate a romantic partner if not checked.
JOHN-JOHN
Defendant #2. Bookish, accountant type. Orderly, stiff, a little meek. Any adult age. In some sense, he represents Sidney at his most pliable and over-accommodating.
Collectively, John and Marge are the darkest timeline for Sidney and Audrie’s potential future.
PUPPETEER
Dressed in black, manipulates Scampers the rat and wild boar. Can make animal sounds as appropriate for scene.
Notes
A “—” connotes a revised or broken thought if it comes within a line or an interruption if it comes at the end.
A “…” connotes a slight pause or “searching” if it comes within a line or a trailing off if it comes at the end.
A “/” is where the next line, spoken by whoever speaks next, begins, creating an overlap.
Charm City Counselors at Love
Act 1
Time: the present (2020).
Shabby conference room in a state courthouse, Baltimore.
DESIREE and AARON enter room with their things. Desiree sets up her stenotype machine and a number of binders, probably transcripts, while Aarons lays out some documents or accordion files. As they set up Desiree offers a stick of gum to Aaron without looking up from her paperwork and Aaron takes it in a manner that evinces routine. While she’s not looking, he skews a binder she’s already straightened. When she turns back around she looks confused but re-straightens it without catching him. As soon as she sits she starts pressing away at her machine even while they speak.
DESIREE
What kind of mood is she in today?
AARON (nods like he’s going to say something positive, then deflates)
Are you putting this in the record?
He gestures to her typing.
DESIREE
Oh—it’s not even on. Keeps my fingers loose (jazz hands; smiles winningly). Think I’m only here in case if you guys need to put a deal on the record.
AARON:
In that case, her mood’s not good.
DESIREE
Figures. Weekend work.
AARON
Exactly.
DESIREE
I don’t mind. My weekend plans fell through, so I’m completely free.
Beat. He looks at his document and she resumes typing nothing.
AARON
I read this article yesterday that rats are smart enough to drive cars. Not human cars but little plastic cars they make out of milk jugs.
DESIREE (wants to talk, but not about this topic)
Didn’t know that.
AARON
They give them Fruit Loops to train them.
DESIREE (momentarily stares at him with a confused affection)
I like Fruit Loops, but it has to be the right moment. Like when they come in those tiny boxes at the lodge, on those early mornings before a hunt…I mean hike (rushing to distract from what she just said). That’s usually the one I pick. It’s like dessert for breakfast. Wouldn’t drive a car for them though.
Laughs to herself, then when Aaron looks blankly, she beats herself up.
Beat.
AARON
I like Fruit Loops too, with a little oat milk. But my point was: isn’t it surprising rats can be so smart? They like driving cars.
DESIREE (unenthused)
Yeah. Surprising.
SIDNEY enters.
SIDNEY
What kind of mood is our girl in today?
AARON
She’s not in a good mood.
SIDNEY
Like, grumpy because she slept poorly?
AARON
Like, pissed because she’s missing kickboxing.
SIDNEY
But not at me, at the judge right? For making us pilot this stupid Alternative Dispute Resolution for misdemeanors thing. Like, why should we be the guinea pigs, right?
AARON
Sidney, she knows you suggested it. Everybody knows.
SIDNEY
Why would anyone think that?
AARON
We heard you suggest it. (Points to Desiree) It’s in the record.
Desiree nods.
SIDNEY (faux confident)
She’s not really angry. Me and Audrie go way back. I bet she’s pretending to be angry for leverage.
AARON
Oh no, she’s really angry. At you. It’s kickboxing day, and she has a crush on the instructor.
SIDNEY
She talks to you about her crushes?
AARON (shrugs)
No, but I can always tell.
Sidney looks like he has a question he doesn’t ask.
AUDRIE enters wearing kickboxing gear in a storm of irritation, focused, not making eye contact with Sidney though everyone else’s eyes follow her as she enters.
AUDRIE
Let’s do this quick—I’m missing kickboxing for this. But if we go fast I can make the second half. Chop-chop.
SIDNEY
I didn’t realize you were so into kickboxing.
AUDRIE
There’s a sweet combination I’ve been working on that I really want to lay on my instructor. Punch, kick, and then elbow to the neck (pantomimes). So, let’s settle this bit of nonsense quick so I can go be with him, huh?
SIDNEY
Is that advisable?
AUDRIE
Up to you if you want to blow a whole day on a package thief—I’m not helping your negotiating strategy.
SIDNEY
I don’t mean is it advisable for me to settle; I’m asking is it advisable of you to elbow your instructor in the neck?
AUDRIE
Oh, for sure, he can handle it. His trapezoids are massive (pantomimes).
SIDNEY
So we’re clear, my clients have no interest in pleading out quickly. I’ve tried to convince Marge otherwise but it’s going to be up to you to impress upon her how seriously Maryland state law takes (catches himself) …whatever it is you allege my clients did.
AUDRIE
Well she should have known better than to mess with beloved Baltimore icon Mr. Trash Wheel.
Sidney rolls his eyes, stands up a little straighter, and braces arms and neck slightly.
His phone dings and he picks it up.
SIDNEY
The defendants are just getting out of the Lyft. Then we can get down to hammering this out. Could I borrow Aaron to help bring stuff up?
Audrie shrugs, and Sidney leaves with Aaron. Aaron’s wallet is left conspicuously on the table. Audrie casually kickboxes while Desiree drums her keys lightly with her fingers and looks around the room.
DESIREE
Hey could I ask some dating advice, lady to lady?
AUDRIE (gets eager, sits, and leans in)
Oh, sure. I love giving dating advice. I’m really good at it, like for other people. Terrible for myself.
DESIREE
So, there’s this guy I have a crush on, he looks like an Egyptian god.
AUDRIE (gasps playfully)
He has a lion’s head?
DESIREE
No, not an animal god or anything. Just tall and handsome. Anyway, he’s a little weird but not bad weird, but he won’t stop talking about how smart animals are or his veganism. He gave me a copy of Animal Liberation for Christmas. Can you help me?
She walks over to Aaron’s things and tidies them reverently.
AUDRIE
Aaron? We’re talking about my paralegal Aaron?
She claps a little, pleased with herself for solving this, then goes right for his wallet left on the table.
AUDRIE
Oh and he definitely talks about you. He always asks who the stenographer is going to be. That makes so much sense.
DESIREE
Do you think he’d be a good boyfriend? I sometimes worry he’s maybe part of a cult that worships animals.
AUDRIE
An animist, huh? He’d be a great boyfriend for you. He’s not in any cults—I mean, he’s a “joiner” for sure, but only for fun things. Watch:
She goes through wallet.
DESIREE (nervous but curious)
Should you be going through his wallet like that?
AUDRIE (waves away concern)
We have American Visionary Arts Museum card/
DESIREE
/Cool.
AUDRIE
/Baltimore Tool Library.
DESIREE
He’ll be handy around the house.
AUDRIE
Baltimore Bike Party.
DESIREE (soft-shouts without raising voice; jazz hands again)
Bike Par-TAY!
AUDRIE
Tree Baltimore?
AUDRIE (hopefully)
Maybe they build treehouses for kids?
DESIREE
They plant trees around Baltimore. All that’s fine, and I really like him, /but
AUDRIE
/but he’s a vegan. Look maybe what he wants to hear is that you’re comfortable with his beliefs. And once he’s reassured then he won’t talk about it so much. But do you want to date a vegan?
DESIREE
I think so? It’s not contagious, right? But I mean, you know, I come from Montana farm country. My fridge is full of antelope from last season. I mean, my family hunts wild boar for sport.
AUDRIE (her face a little shocked by boar-hunting, but lets it go fast)
What I’d do is linger a little after we finish up today and just drop a hint subtly that it’s not a dealbreaker for you, and leave him the opening to ask you out. If he doesn’t take the initiative from there, then it wasn’t meant to be.
DESIREE
That’s perfect advice!
AUDRIE
Oh, and leave out the part about your killing wild pigs for the third or fourth date?
Audrie’s phone buzzes repeatedly.
AUDRIE
Ooh, it’s my instructor.
She smiles at Desiree, tosses her hair, and walks offstage.
AUDRIE
Hellooo!? Aren’t you supposed to be teaching a class?
Off to the side, Aaron and Sidney walk back onstage, carrying a couple boxes. Desiree is seated facing away from the others and it is clear to the audience that she is not within earshot.
SIDNEY
Before the defendants come in, I was wondering, have you picked up on any romantic tensions in the conference room?
He gives what he thinks is meaningful look to direction where Audrie has gone.
AARON
Are we that obvious? What should I do? I’m crazy about her, but her family slaughters local wildlife for sport. I don’t know if I could kiss someone if they just swallowed meat. But if our chemistry is that obvious to everyone around us, maybe we can work through all that?
SIDNEY (confused, then following)
Oh, Desiree right. Yeah. Your chemistry is super strong, totally. That’s a real pickle (blows out cheeks like he’s considering). Here’s what I’d say. I’ll make an excuse to leave quick when we wrap up so you’ll have a little time alone while she packs up that machine. Ask her to something neutral, like a casual dinner nearby that might be a date, might not be, and then just ask directly about her dealbreakers and mention yours.
AARON
Oh, that’s good advice. That’s exactly what I’ll do.
SIDNEY
Good luck to you. Here are the defendants!
Sidney sits at a table with MARGE and JOHN-JOHN. Desiree and Aaron are sitting at a separate table, preparing to take notes. Marge offers John-John something out of one of the file boxes. He looks briefly shocked, then declines with a weary wave of his hand. Without missing a beat, she offers the open box to Sidney. He shrugs, smiles politely, moves in, then draws back suddenly.
A rat stuffed animal, guided by puppeteer dressed in all-black, jumps out on Sidney and he squeals.
SIDNEY
Oh, it’s a rat. Yes, a rat is on me!
AARON
Everyone stay calm. It’s my pet Scampers. He doesn’t bite, just being friendly. He’s at the end of a twelve-step socialization program, and I was just getting him used to group settings.
Sidney is obviously still distressed. Audrie walks in and Sidney endeavors to move Scampers, who is being friendly and curious, off him and onto the ground before Audrie can see. He slowly lowers Scampers underneath the table in the general direction of Aaron. Audrie can tell something’s not quite right, but can’t tell what. She investigates underneath the table.
AUDRIE
Oh, hi Scampers.
AUDRIE (baby voice)
You can’t be out during negotiations. No you can’t. No you can’t. Come here.
Audrie nonchalantly lifts and returns Scampers to Aaron who puts him in a case box.
SIDNEY (impressed)
You’re a pretty cool customer, aren’t you?
AUDRIE
It’s Baltimore; gotta make peace with the rats (as if this explains everything). So what’ll it be, folks (Rubs hands together) ? Ten years jail time with early release for good behavior, then community service for the rest of your life? Or should we keep it simple, add up the property damage, and make it a straight monetary fine of $2.3 million?
SIDNEY
Well now, my esteemed colleague (winks reassuringly at his clients), I’m sure you must be joking. We were thinking more along the lines of a thoughtfully-written apology.
AUDRIE
Look, this isn’t kumbaya restorative justice court, Sidney, as much as I know you want it to be. This is the criminal law. And the only thing standing between your clients and the serious jail time our dear judge is itching to dole out…is me.
SIDNEY
That’s okay, but let’s be real. We’re talking about misdemeanors. Sure, there are a lot of them…
AUDRIE
/and John-John tried to cover them up!
SIDNEY (slightly whining)
He was just trying to keep her out of trouble! Criminal conspiracy won’t hold up in court. You don’t have a case and you know it.
AUDRIE
Do we really need to go through this again?
Sidney rolls his eyes at the ceiling.
AUDRIE
Thirteen counts of attempted fare evasion on the light rail while carrying stolen goods.
MARGE
I mean, I had the monthly pass, it was just at home. And what warm-blooded human being doesn’t get the urge to jump a turnstile once in a while?
AUDRIE
The light rail doesn’t have turnstiles. Plus, eleven counts of package theft!
MARGE
I mean, come on about that one. Who hasn’t gotten a little drunk, and committed a little package theft? Then you wake up and are like, oh I didn’t buy that or that. Oh why is that foam roller there? Oh I don’t do yoga. But it’s also kind of like waking up to Christmas presents from a relative who doesn’t know you well or what’s age appropriate. You know how it goes. We’ve all been there.
Everyone gives her a look that says “No. I have not in fact been there.”
SIDNEY
Honest mistakes! And for many of those, John-John re-delivered the packages!
AUDRIE (points upward emphatically)
And the piece de resistance (pronounced the French way): the desecration and sinking of Mr. Trash Wheel to the bottom of the Inner Harbor. Mr. John-John Pringle, I need to hear it again. Why on Earth did you kidnap that poor, yellow-naped Amazon parrot? I’m just grateful that our investigators stopped you two before you took things much further.
JOHN-JOHN (stiffly)
I kidnapped Crumbles because he was going to snitch on Marge. I assure you, I didn’t plan to do it. Only when I heard the bird speak…someone would have been sure to make the connection.
AARON (curiously)
What did the parrot say?
JOHN-JOHN (embarrassed)
“You scored, Margery, girl, it’s a waffle maker! It’s waffles in the morning!”
AUDRIE
So, after hearing your wife’s name spoken by the bird, from a house that you knew she had stolen from, you lifted the bird.
JOHN-JOHN (nodding)
Well, I reached through the window, and the bird just hopped right off its perch and onto my arm, and then walked up onto my shoulder.
AARON (under his breath)
Honestly, all parrots should be free to fly wherever they might.
Desiree nods to show Aaron she understands.
MARGE (helpfully)
By the time John-John got home with Crumbles a-shoulder, there was a big pile of packages in the living room, courtesy of moi. And he freaked out. It was just “Are you nuts?” this, and “You’re going to get caught for sure this time,” that, and he insisted that we gather up all the packages right then and there and…
JOHN-JOHN
…maybe it was having Crumbles there, whispering “Aye matey, best bury the treasure now,” in my ear, but we soon found ourselves driving the car full of packages toward water.
MARGE
We got on the harbor ferry, and before I knew it, John-John convinced the captain to steer a course for Mr. Trash Wheel.
AUDRIE
Bribed.
JOHN-JOHN
A small incentive. It was a slow night; he was happy to have something to do.
Sidney covers his eyes and shakes his head, then steadies himself and soldiers on, giving his best defense.
SIDNEY
Yeah, who rides the harbor ferry in the winter, anyway?
JOHN-JOHN
Then I unloaded the packages, one by one, onto the conveyor belt that sucks the trash from the water. There were too many. And the conveyor belt broke.
AUDRIE
And what was Marge doing while you were throwing the packages in?
SIDNEY
Well, she’d climbed onto the trash interceptor, but she wasn’t trying to sink it; she was trying to, ugh/
AUDRIE
/Desecrate it?
SIDNEY
/respond to the call of nature on the water wheel/
MARGE
/You know, the liquid slap of the water wheel paddles against the placid harbor waters…
SIDNEY (quickly)
And as soon as Mr. Trash Wheel went down, they felt awful. You’ll note John-John was admirably quick in organizing a popular crowdfunding effort for repairs, raising enough to both fully restore Mr. Trash Wheel and build a new one, Inspector Googly-Eyes—which can emerge from the water to roll through neighborhoods and pick up trash on land during street sweeping days. The Waterfront Partnership even wrote a letter of support for my clients.
AUDRIE
With the help of some suspiciously hefty anonymous donations that we could still investigate. (Looks at Sidney, satisfied) So we’re agreed we need some punishments. Let’s see what these new ADR sentencing guidelines allow.
She opens her binder and after scanning, briefly, reacts with shock.
AUDRIE
What kind of janky justice is this? Is this for real? My sentencing options are: creating five year plans, writing letters of contrition, jury duty for other ADR defendants cases, or writing yourself a life plan. Is this for real?
All actors freeze in place, Audrie mid-hand gesture; Sidney stands, steps forward towards audience, breaks fourth wall.
SIDNEY
Yes audience, this is very much for real in Baltimore, though it only applies to juvenile cases. It’s called the Juvenile Detention Alternatives Initiatives, locally known to staff and participants as “Teen Court.” According to Maryland’s Department of Juvenile Services, Teen Court has reduced the number of youth in secure detention on any given day by about a third. See, you learned something unexpected (as appropriate) [at Drinking Club/ at Capital Fringe Festival/ at { }/ tonight].
Actors resume movement.
AUDRIE
Is this for real? Okay, Marge, letters of contrition to all the people you stole packages from/
AARON
And one to Mr. Trash Wheel.
AUDRIE
Mr. Trash Wheel is a harbor cleaning device. He does not want you wasting paper on an apology. (Aaron deflates, Audrie notices, and adjusts) But he will take an essay on his usefulness to society. (Aaron nods agreeably). I’m going to recommend the judge sentence you to six five-year plans and two life plans.
MARGE
Wait, are these the same plan, or am I creating alternatives?
AUDRIE
Just so long as none of the plans involve stealing more foam rollers.
SIDNEY
I’d also like more clarity on how the multiple five-year plans would work. Like, would she be in violation of one plan if she’s following another plan? Compliance might require getting a little a multiverse-y.
AUDRIE
Guys, don’t overthink this! The sentencing guidelines say these plans aren’t binding, so nobody is going to follow up to see if you really joined the Baltimore Rock Opera Society.
AARON
How did you guys know my dream to sing rock opera? And has someone been going through my wallet? (Fiddling through wallet) That’s a serious and unrelated question. My wallet looks tampered with.
SIDNEY
A five-year plan and a life plan. Think one form contrition letter hand-delivered to the package theft victims, and to that poor parrot owner, should suffice…if they are earnest.
AUDRIE
Fine. Aaron, you left your wallet on the table, that’s basically consent to a search.
MARGE
No, it’s not.
AUDRIE
Says the package thief. Moving on. John-John (eyes him up and down, her hand to her chin) you’re already sad enough, so no letters of contrition for you. But we could really use your administrative and accounting skills around here. Five years cleaning up the initiative’s scheduling system. Maybe give us an upgrade.
JOHN-JOHN (resigned)
Okay.
SIDNEY
That’s a tad excessive, don’t you think?
MARGE
Very excessive. You know this is starting to sound like a scheme by the courthouse to outsource its entire function to criminals.
SIDNEY
Can we talk about the ask of five years?
AUDRIE
Parrot theft is a very serious crime.
SIDNEY
The parrot was gone for like five hours. The owner didn’t even know.
AUDRIE
Do you know how many hours of paperwork these guys caused me for this case?
SIDNEY
You’re a government employee. You guys work from nine to six no matter what’s going on. If you didn’t do this, you’d be doing something else.
AUDRIE (indignant)
Oh no. I think you’re thinking of other branches of the government, like the post office maybe? I’m here every weekend, and the one Saturday this month I was going to have to myself I’m once again missing kickboxing to settle this case, because I care about doing The Justice.
SIDNEY (teasingly)
He gets six months and maybe a few rounds of jury duty so he can maybe see how functional criminal conspirators usually work together.
AARON
May I just suggest adding marital counseling to the whole package?
DESIREE
Oh, I concur with that one.
MARGE (disbelievingly, suddenly professional)
You’re not even a lawyer, and you, (turns to Desiree) you can’t concur; you’re just meant to be writing this down. (Turns to Sidney) They can’t add things.
AUDRIE
That’s technically true, and (checks binder) yeah, marriage counseling is not on the list of remedy options here.
AARON
Just add it as a recommended bonus. Like extra credit.
Audrie shrugs to Sidney.
Sidney looks meaningfully at John-John.
SIDNEY
Well, it might help the judge take this settlement package seriously.
AUDRIE
Okay it is in, we are done, and I am off to the second half of my kickboxing class. See you suckers.
She heads for the door but doesn’t leave even as her hand is on the doorknob.
SIDNEY
Yeah, I gotta go quick too. Come on guys. Aaron and Desiree, you guys good to wrap up? See ya Scampers.
He nods bravely to the box with the rat, then goes to pet it goodbye to seem chill, but can only manage a quick pet like it’s a hot iron. Rat kind of does a feint toward him and he jumps.
Marge and John-John exit. Audrie and Sidney reach exit but don’t leave and instead hide behind potted plant. Audrie taps and puts her finger to her lips and points, indicating they should stand and secretly watch. Aaron and Desiree think they are alone.
Desiree goes over to pet rat, lifts it, and pets calmly; Aaron nods approvingly.
DESIREE
He is kinda cute when he’s not popping up places unexpectedly.
DESIREE (looks at Aaron)
You know, I’d be comfortable dating a vegan.
She squints in self-loathing, certain she’s said the wrong thing.
AARON
Oh, interesting. Well, you know, I’d be comfortable dating a carnivore, if she kept it out of the house.
DESIREE
What if she ate meat in front of you like at a restaurant on a special occasion?
AARON (reluctantly)
If she brushed her teeth before we kissed, that would be fine.
DESIREE (stiffens)
In that case: let the record show, I’d be comfortable going on a date with the prosecutor’s paralegal sometime.
AARON
If you write that down, is it binding?
DESIREE
Oh, I’m still not typing.
AARON
Then we should go right now before the stenographer changes her mind.
They smile and head offstage together in an opposite direction from Sidney and Audrie. Sydney and Audrie walk back into the room, each well-pleased.
SIDNEY (proud)
I advised him to linger and ask her out.
AUDRIE (impressed with him, not wanting him to see)
Really? Well, I advised her to linger and ask him out. And I will say, she did most of the work.
SIDNEY
That’s one way to read it.
AUDRIE
That’s the only way to read it. What’s the other way? She put all her cards on the table; he just reacted.
SIDNEY
The other way is that we were the missing element. These two belonged together but they each needed a nudge that we gave them.
He considers this may be his moment to ask her out, after all they’d each taken their own advice too by each lingering.
SIDNEY
Hey, we make a good team. We also reached a good settlement.
AUDRIE (exhales, tired, almost melancholy/wistful)
Well, we did The Justice.
SIDNEY
And how often does that happen around here? We balance each other well. What if we did something else with this chemistry?
AUDRIE (laughs)
Yeah right. You as a prosecutor? Not likely. You’d just want to let all the criminals out.
SIDNEY
Yes I would, but that’s why you need us both. And I didn’t mean like that, I meant more like: what if we joined forces? Took it to the next level. Became another kind of team.
Audrie ponders hand-to-chin confused at what sort of team he means [can really overdo facial emoting here], then smiles and gets really excited.
AUDRIE
Yeah! I could totally see that! Yes, yes, yes. I’m so excited.
Sidney flails his hands like he wants to reach out to touch her, but doesn’t, sensing maybe she’s not thinking about what he’s thinking.
SIDNEY (excited)
Great! Yes! (Then more measured) What are you thinking exactly?
AUDRIE
How about this: Sidney and Audrie’s Relationship Advice Counsel Service.
She gives him a hopeful look, and when he looks stunned she gets self-conscious.
AUDRIE
Is that cheesy? We’re talking Baltimore here, we can get away with a little camp. Maybe the silliness will get people comfortable, loosen them up a bit.
She rolls her shoulders, loosening them.
We see Sidney adjust. On his face is a divided smile. He is feeling romantic rejection but professional acceptance. He adapts and takes on her excitement.
SIDNEY
I love it except, instead, the name of the business should go full camp:
He puts one arm around her shoulder while flashing the other across the air in front of them as though their names were on a movie marquee.
SIDNEY
“Charm City Counselors at Love.”
Music, beat, coda.
Interlude 1
Sidney and Audrie both sit at a keyboard/piano. Sidney is experimenting with different melodies. Audrie is the task master who is determined to develop the best jingle while Sidney is reluctant, but game.
SIDNEY
Why do we need a jingle anyway?
AUDRIE
We need clients.
SIDNEY
But we’re not trained musicians. Or even untrained musicians.
AUDRIE
We’re not trained relationship counselors either.
SIDNEY (shrugs, warm smile)
Fair. How about we build something around this.
Sidney puffs himself up, looks business-like then playfully riffs on Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer” as a joke suggestion while Audrie rolls her eyes but enjoys herself. Riffs that are instantly recognizable and slightly absurd.
SIDNEY
Or this might work.
Goes into “Jingle Bells.” Audrie’s business side wants to stay laser-focused on getting this done right, but she’s also hesitant to stop him; she’s warming up to Sidney and enjoying this in spite of herself.
AUDRIE
Okay, let’s get down to business. We need a slogan that conveys that they’ll get the best of the prosecution and defense viewpoints.
SIDNEY
Hmmm…“Prosecuting the defense of love”? “Defending loves conviction”?
AUDRIE
“We’ll issue a search warrant for your missing passion.”
SIDNEY
“Wanted—bulldog attorney to awaken the sensitive side of my lover.” “Wanted—hard-charging reasonably priced advisor to handle a tender matter on short notice.”
AUDRIE
“Come visit Charm City Counselors at Love.” (Turns to Sydney) What about “Courtship Court?” “Court For Courtship.” (Gets excited) Oh no: “Barristers for The Brokenhearted.”
SIDNEY (writes it down)
I like that one. Oooh: “Forensics For The Forlorn.”
AUDRIE
“Motions for Emotion?”
SIDNEY
“Tort for Tortured Hearts…of no for, for…— (no word emerges, so he pivots) “Dockets-for the-Downhearted. Our only fiduciary duty is to your healthy heart.”
AUDRIE (laughs, scrunches her nose. It’s all playfully painful)
That sounds like if we were legal nutritionists or legal personal trainers. And nobody will understand any of this anyway. We’re going to have exclusively lawyer clients.
SIDNEY
We’ll get there. We’ll get there.
Sidney plays the real melody.
AUDRIE
Play that again.
SIDNEY plays it again; they both smile and nod.
SIDNEY (playing melody and singing)
Charm City…
Audrie and Sidney sing together while looking in each other’s eyes.
AUDRIE & SIDNEY
…Counselors at Love.
A faint piano melody is heard, played offstage—the first line of the piano tune.
SIDNEY (finger in the air)
Wait a minute, wait a minute…you know how a lot of ads do plays on Baltimore, like “BeMore” or “BikeMore”? We can use something like that, how about: “LuvMore. Come visit (switches to singing—sings along to the first line of the piano tune) Charm City, Counselors at Loooove.”
SIDNEY (singing along to the second line of the piano tune)
Charm City, Counselors at Love.
Audrie (showmanlike, spoken)
Give us a call!
SIDNEY (nods, getting excited, and immediately singing along to third line of piano tune)
At 1-800 L-U-V, M-O-R-E!
AUDRIE
I think we got it. Let’s bring this all together. Ready to do the full ad?
SIDNEY
Ready.
AUDRIE
Okay here goes: (TV spokesman voice) Have a romantic problem? Call the Barristers for the Brokenhearted. (normal voice) Now you sing the jingle:
SIDNEY (sings)
Charm City, Counselors at Love.
AUDRIE
Give us a call.
SIDNEY & AUDRIE (sing together)
At 1-800 L-U-V, M-O-R-E!
As they sing softly, Aaron and Desiree take their positions in front of them in their separate scene.
As Interlude 2 starts and Desiree speaks the first line, Sidney and Audrie freeze but remain on stage.
Interlude 2
Desiree is hunting a boar (stuffed animal prop), maybe in camouflage face paint. She sneaks up on it from behind and gets it in a headlock, and is struggling with it, gets it under control, locked between her knees. Her cell phone rings loudly, a country song as the ringtone. She’s annoyed, but can’t not check. It’s Aaron; she rolls eyes.
DESIREE (to herself)
You’re lucky you look like an Egyptian God.
DESIREE (out of breath, but trying to sound natural and cheerful)
Hi Aaron. How are you?
AARON
Are you exercising? You sound out of breath.
DESIREE
Exercising, I…sort of? I’m in Gunpowder Falls State Park.
She still has the boar in headlock. The boar tries to resist, shown by wiggling in arms.
AARON
Look at you, taking in nature! You should’ve invited me!
DESIREE
Iiiii wanted to surprise you.
AARON
You did! I really appreciate you taking an interest in my interests.
Desiree grunts and shakes the boar harder.
AARON
Wait! (shocked inhalation). Is that a wounded animal baying for its mother?
DESIREE (pained face, studies boar)
It’s an adult, so probably not?
The boar gets away by the puppeteer throwing it off stage.
AARON (second shocked inhalation, a little campy)
Are you hunting wild boar? They’re smarter than dogs: they can feel love, they can feel humiliation!
DESIREE (shrugs)
Not as humiliated as I feel letting that one get away. Listen, it’s not what it sounds like. I mean, the situation is what it literally sounds like, but I can explain.
AARON (skeptical)
I’m listening.
DESIREE
I’m not hunting behind your back. I mean, I am, but I read that Animal Liberation book you lent me and I think I’ve found an ethical loophole. I think that Peter Singer would agree that a free range, invasive species creature that’s killed quickly is ethical meat. And (increased excitement) and you know how you love joining groups: I joined the Baltimore Invasive Species Task Force.
AARON
That’s definitely not a thing.
DESIREE
It’s Baltimore. Everything is a thing here. Anyway, we have a hotline that puts out an alert when someone spots a lion fish, a Burmese python, a walking catfish. Any invasive species that’s disruptive to natural habitats. (Folksy ‘I am so reasonable’ tone) And then once you kill them, you gotta eat them, or else what was the point of that? It’s got no use for its body any longer.
AARON (audible deep breath)
Honey…Sugarplum…Darling…intellectually, I see your point. But, less intellectually, I just heard my loving girlfriend strangling something, and kind of enjoying it. So that’s hard for me to reconcile.
DESIREE (sighs)
Fine. Time to call the Love Counselors.
Sidney and Audrie, who have been still and silent in the background, play the jingle super quickly one last time.
Act 2
Setting: Similar conference room to Act 1, but with more informal homey touches. Maybe a couch or therapist-office-style chairs.
Aaron and Desiree are standing, getting ready to leave. Everyone is laughing.
DESIREE
You guys are lifesavers.
AARON
I thought that was unsolvable!
SIDNEY
Keep up the great work! See you next week!
Once alone, Sidney and Audrie both slump down across from each other on the table and look at each other with a new intimate familiarity. They’ve seen some crazy cases together.
SIDNEY
How long before she kills again?
AUDRIE (looks out the window in direction they left)
Maybe in the parking lot right now? I saw some squirrels on the way in. Also, does Baltimore really have an invasive species task force?
SIDNEY
She seemed so quiet and sweet as a stenographer.
AUDRIE
Always the quiet ones. I couldn’t date someone like that. What if they mistake you for prey?
SIDNEY
I like when people have a touch of crazy. In fact, every woman I’ve ever had a crush on has had a childhood diagnosis of like, all the acronyms.
AUDRIE
Sounds like my childhood.
SIDNEY (playful)
No!
AUDRIE (light touch of flirt)
Uh huh. OCD, ADHD, you name it, I had it. Apparently, your preferences also apply to business partners, lucky for me. You probably need somebody to balance out your calmness thing, to keep things interesting.
SIDNEY
I don’t believe it. I bet you were the top of your class.
AUDRIE (wide eyes)
I was! I directed that compulsive energy to being the best at everything. What were you like back then?
SIDNEY
Oh I don’t know. Just your average kid. Nothing too exciting.
AUDRIE
C’mon, there must have been something that set you apart from the crowd, something that sticks out in your mind when you think back to high school days. Maybe you did yearbook or band.
SIDNEY (remembers an event)
Well, there was one thing I… (thinks better of it; he kind of wants to give her enough of a hint that she’ll drag the rest out of him) No. Nope. Nevermind.
AUDRIE (eager)
What?! What was it?
SIDNEY
It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.
AUDRIE
Don’t leave me hanging, you can tell me. We’re business partners! I have a right to know a little about who I’m in business with.
Audrie shoulder nudges him affectionately.
SIDNEY
Just a silly little karaoke contest we had. Nothing to talk about. (Gestures slit-his-throat to say the subject is closed) Don’t we have work to do?
AUDRIE (softly, warmly)
Sidney, seriously? You’re going to be a hostile witness? I told you my childhood medical diagnosis. Several, in fact. I can keep a secret.
SIDNEY
Fine. We had this talent show, and I did a karaoke version of you know that song:
Sidney sings, moves hips like a dance move, and holds invisible mic; Audrie is delighted.
SIDNEY
“Rico Suave, Rico Suave. There’s not a woman that can handle / A man like me / That’s why I juggle two or three.”
SIDNEY
I sang in the leather jacket, no undershirt. The joke was how the song was pure machismo and I wasn’t. Well the crowd went nuts, a little too nuts. Like, “Come on guys, calm down; I was trying to be an ironic stud but not that ironic.”
AUDRIE (laughs)
Oh I bet you were so cute.
She touches his arm, then moves it away like his skin is a hot iron. “Stay professional,’” she thinks.
AUDRIE
Will you bring me a photo? Promise me you’ll bring a photo next time. Is there a video?
SIDNEY (deliberately changes topic)
I bet you ran for student body president?
AUDRIE
Of course. My slogan was “Take off the shades, see the light; vote for Audrie, Thursday Night.” Tracy Flick was my hero.
SIDNEY
Did you rig the elections?
AUDRIE
Didn’t need to, but I totally would’ve.
SIDNEY
So maybe you really did work every weekend at the District Attorney’s Office then? I thought you were exaggerating.
AUDRIE (confident and proud, chest out)
Yeah. You didn’t? You always seemed prepared. I figured you worked the same hours.
SIDNEY
I prepared. But an infinite amount of work was always available and the public defenders’ office was always understaffed, so to avoid burnout I stopped each Friday at six (makes hand gesture like he’s putting down an invisible square, his work burden) because no matter what I did the endless stream would be waiting each Monday.
AUDRIE (jerks head like ‘huh, good point,’ voice wistful, numb)
That’s funny. I figured that an endless stream of work was always waiting, so I better get to it.
They both look at each other meaningfully, like they both are weighing the pros and cons of the other’s perspective.
John-John and Marge enter. Audrie doesn’t stand and greet them, but falls into a stupor, still thinking of his comment and how maybe Sidney could balance her. She crosses the threshold to being in love right here as they settle in. But fuck, they’re now business partners and that makes things more complicated. She shakes it off.
John-John and Marge sit. Marge man-spreads her legs, taking up space on couch or chair. John-John is contained.
SIDNEY
And how are our reformed defendants? Keeping out of trouble? So glad you took us up on our offer for pro bono counseling.
JOHN-JOHN
It’s been helpful. No more petty crimes. And I haven’t had to hijack anymore harbor ferries.
SIDNEY (looks at Audrie with smug smile like ‘I told you so’)
Huh, no more crimes, how about that?
Audrie smiles and shrugs.
JOHN-JOHN
She’s started constantly sending out photos of our dog’s dick.
Audrie straight up laughs.
SIDNEY (smug smile stuck):
Is this uh, a medical question about the phallus that she has concern over?
JOHN-JOHN (shakes head sadly, gravely)
It’s a dog dick-pic. It’s that simple.
MARGE
Can I show you? It’s the perfect shot.
She takes out her phone).
AUDRIE (thoroughly amused and horrified, covers her hands over her eyes)
I take your word for it. I can’t even.
SIDNEY (nods and lifts chin at Audrie like ‘be professional’)
If that’s what this session is about. (He takes the phone, nods, and passes it back very quickly. Audrie looks over his shoulder) Yup, that’s a dog’s dick. Who is this being sent to?
JOHN-JOHN (melodramatically)
Everyone. Friends. Her family. My family. She sent it to a judge.
SIDNEY
A judge who sentenced her?
JOHN-JOHN
No, a federal judge she used to work for. They’re still in touch over Whatsapp all the time.
Audrie and Sidney glance at each other and have a wordless discussion with glances: Marge used to work for a federal judge? Did they never think to ask her job history? Is Marge-the-public-urinator maybe a more successful attorney than they were? Their perception of Marge shifts. Not the time to ask though.
SIDNEY (doesn’t know what to say)
Okay, for advice I would say maybe—I’m sorry, you worked for a federal judge?
MARGE (cocky)
Yup.
Marge nods, taps finger on table. Conspicuously not sharing what capacity she worked in.
AUDRIE
Oh, oh, oh, I’ve got a solution (leans forward): Have you tried not sending out photos of your dog’s penis? I mean, my typical policy is no one ever really ought to send a dick-pic to anyone who isn’t already intimately familiar with that particular penis.
MARGE
I agree with you, as far as human penises. Or is it peni? Anyway, here’s the thing (like she’s about to talk to Audrie seriously, lady-to-lady. At the same time Sidney is googling info on Marge on his cell phone, shocked at the results): I really, really enjoy sending photos of our dog’s penis.
JOHN-JOHN
She does. She even painted it. Watercolor. It took her weeks.
He lifts up a watercolor of a dog’s penis.
AUDRIE
Yes, I get that part. Sort of (tilts head; she doesn’t get it) Buuuut I have two questions. Actually, I have a lot of questions, but here are two: First, I’m having a little trouble understanding ‘why do this?’ Second, is it maybe an erotic thing? (she squints her eyes in pain, really not wanting to hear yes, pushes herself to reluctantly add) No judgment.
SIDNEY
Yes, absolutely no judgment. We don’t judge. We advise. Like lawyers.
MARGE
No. It’s not an erotic thing. Just good wholesome fun.
AUDRIE (can’t help it)
Oh thank God. (Big, relieved exhale) That was not something we were going to be qualified to handle.
She leans back and waves her hand like chop off her head/‘end scene’.
SIDNEY (refocusing on Audrie’s point)
Could you elaborate on what is non-erotically fun about this?
MARGE
Sure. It’s like, I love how much he hates it. He’s, like, fun to tease, because it’s just a photo of a dog’s penis. That’s all it is and he gets sooooo upset every time. Like do you ever have that thing where a cat rolls on its back and it’s showing you its belly and you know the cat is going to be annoyed if you poke its belly but you want to do it anyway because it’s right there and it’s fun.
She scratches at her husband’s neck and he flinches away, but then he moves back quickly.
SIDNEY
Basically you like torturing your husband, with an undercurrent of emasculation.
AUDRIE (points at Marge)
Oh my god that. (Snaps her fingers at her like she solved it) yeah, that’s what you were doing with all those misdemeanor crimes too. He was there for the turnstile jumping and had to live around all those stolen goods.
MARGE
I mean, I’m not hurting him. Look at him, he’s just got that ‘grrrrrr’ look on his face like he wants to burst.
SIDNEY
And John-John, how does this make you feel? Do you like being tortured?
JOHN-JOHN (hesitantly, aware Marge is watching his response)
Not great? A little is fine, but it’s out of hand.
AUDRIE
Alright, shall we confer, partner?
She goes off to the side with Sidney to whisper.
AUDRIE
Okay, we’ve concluded that John-John must like to be tortured, at least a bit, or else he’d have gotten out of this situation a long time ago. However, the dog-penis-thing is getting a little stale by now, and maybe you should move on to a new creative, non-illegal activity to share.
SIDNEY
What if we set aside certain days for you to be tortured? Weekends-only we were thinking, to start? Would you be okay if she nonviolently tortured you on weekends? Then you could have a more vanilla relationship the rest of the time, approximating normalcy?
JOHN-JOHN
I mean that would be much better than all the days.
MARGE
Whatever. Sure.
SIDNEY
Try it out, and we’ll see you both next week.
Marge and John-John nod and head out.
AUDRIE
Did we just accidentally lower the amount of Baltimore crime?
SIDNEY
We did The Justice.
AUDRIE
No. To do The Justice someone needs to be punished, or slapped on the wrist at least. That was Bleeding-Heart Justice at best.
SIDNEY
A preventive initiative then. Midnight basketball for whatever species of people these two were.
AUDRIE
That session was nuts, though, right? (Remembers) Marge said she worked for a federal judge. You don’t think she’s like a successful lawyer?
SIDNEY (bursting to say it)
I looked it up after she said that. DLA Piper! She clerked for Judge Kozinski. I can’t believe we’re giving them advice for free.
AUDRIE
Nooo. Why that little Winona Ryder. Kozinski makes perfect sense though. I don’t see why John-John stays with her. I mean, he’s a little dull, but she’s so over the top.
SIDNEY (measured)
I see it. He finds her adorably intense.
AUDRIE
That’s a thing? Adorable intensity? (She doesn’t meet his eyes bashfully) Maybe there’s hope for me yet.
SIDNEY
It’s kind of John-John’s fault. He could stand up for himself. I’m guessing he’s one of those guys who never learned to do that and is just a little too good adapting to other people, even when the behavior is kind of breaking him.
AUDRIE
And that’s why they need us: Pals to tell them to stop being unreasonable.
Beat. Time to go, but they are both reluctant to leave. After collecting her things, she sits indicating she’s not ready to close up. He follows suit.
AUDRIE
Hey, you want to go grab dinner? (Points thumb to nowhere) I’m in the mood for charred invasive wild boar suddenly. Woodberry Kitchen probably makes that, right?
SIDNEY (laughs, looks down, but is a little excited to tell her like any other friend)
Another time. I’d loved to, but I’ve got a promising date actually.
Audrie hides her disappointment with smile. Him dating is unexpected.
AUDRIE (too encouragingly)
Dates are great things to go on. Who’s the lucky girl?
Sidney looks back up. He’s picking up on something, but not sure what, so he shakes head to minimize.
SIDNEY
It’s a first date. Met her online, so…
AUDRIE
But promising?
SIDNEY (nodding dumbly)
She likes this social justice book I like, not many people have read it.
AUDRIE
She likes a social justice book. Fantastic. I hear those are good. Prosecutors usually read social injustice books, so I probably haven’t read it.
Another awkward beat.
SIDNEY
I’m enjoying working with you though. I think we make a good team, a good solid business team. You’re great to work with. You spot the issues, and are blunt with them. And don’t let them fall behind on bills, which is good for keeping the lights on. I’d be a terrible enforcer.
AUDRIE
I feel exactly the same way. A strong business team. This is a really strong business chemistry I’m feeling. I was amazed how cool you stayed when that was going in a bestiality direction. Maybe you’ve got a little of that (sings) rico suave. Those high school kids were dumb for not appreciating you.
SIDNEY (wide-eyed)
Inside, I was terrified. I was a moment away from calling dog protection services, but I just don’t show emotions. Makes people think I’m calm but it’s just all happening inside.
His hand floats over chest to show where the emotions are happening.
SIDNEY
Who knew so many people needed relationship advice from lawyers?
AUDRIE
Lot of people out there not communicating what they feel.
SIDNEY
Tell me about it. Ever get this feeling like there’s been this trend where nobody shows feelings anymore? Like we’re all in an emotional Mexican standoff, nobody being vulnerable, so now we get to where…I don’t know what we get. (Beat) We get a need for legally-trained relationship advice to dig out obvious emotions.
AUDRIE (with the gusto of a teenager loving recklessly)
Sidney, I love you, and I never want to live without you.
SIDNEY (looks at her like she’s crazy, then adjusts)
You’re serious?
She nods, smiling hopefully.
AUDRIE (whispering)
Serious.
SIDNEY
Oh. I—oh! (half squeak/half word) Huh.
He stands then sits again. Face is like he’s received a blow; then relaxes; he’s unlocking the emotions for her he’d buried.
SIDNEY (ponderous, playful)
That is, by far, the most adorably crazy thing I’ve heard all day.
Beat.
SIDNEY (excited and earnest)
I’m in…
She gathers self, her back straightens, and she meets his eyes directly.
SIDNEY
Audrie, I love you too.
Their hands clasp and they kiss.
Piano coda in the background to the theme song jingle.
End of play.
✶✶✶✶
Colin Beckman lives in Baltimore. He works as an energy attorney for the government and enjoys gardening and swimming. His work most recently appeared in the collection Dragon Bike: Fantastical Stories of Bicycling, Feminism, & Dragons.
✶
Timothy DeLizza lives in Baltimore. During daytime hours, he’s an energy attorney for the government. His novella Jerry (from Accounting) was published as a Kindle Single. His prose is next scheduled to be published in New South, Fiction Southeast, and the Potomac Review.
✶
Francesca Longo is a Brooklyn native working in fashion design.
Another Chicago Magazine 