“Breaking Legs” by Michael T. Smith

Characters

THAT’S SO WHACK
Male; Depressed [Phenomenological]

PRETENTIOUS
Male; Pretentious [Solipsistic]

TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO
Male; Sixties; Level-headed [Theistic]

GAG ME WITH A SPOON
Female; Immature. [Positivistic]

THAT’S COOL
Female. Sinfully relaxed. [Fatalistic]

CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE
Female. [Rationalistic]

IT’S THE NUTS
Male; Old and curmudgeonly [Skeptic]

SHE’S ALL THAT
Male; Angsty [Existentialistic]

TUBULAR
Male; Dumb [Fallibilistic]

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
Male; Grumpy; Self-loathing. [Nihilistic]

*Note: The gender of the above phrases is not terribly important and could be modified entirely at will. The only reason they are provided is to give a hint as to a type of theatrical archetypes (e.g. curmudgeonly old man) the actor could draw upon in order to play the character—an easy way to establish familiarity with the character both in their mind and in the audience’s mind (useful in such a short play with a good amount of characters). Similarly, the philosophical viewpoints in brackets can be used to form this character as well. Narratively, they were used to compose the play, but are not meant to be immediately apparent to an average audience not doing an analysis of it.

Breaking Legs

We open on a support group meeting for old catchphrases. They are sitting in a semi-circle facing the audience; each character wears a white T-shirt with their name printed across it in black boldface.

Possibly, they accessorize with clothing from when each phrase was popular as well.

TWENTY-THREE SKIDOO [‘TWENTY-THREE’]:
Ok, let me begin our meeting by extending a cordial welcome to you all.

The group murmurs back half-hearted ‘hellos.’

TWENTY-THREE: 
Thank you for attending our monthly support group meeting for catchphrases who—

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID [ ‘SHE SAID’] [interrupting bitterly]:
Are had.

TWENTY-THREE:
—Of catchphrases who have had a notable service. 

SHE SAID [mumbling]:
Yeah, funereal.

TWENTY-THREE:
Uh, yes well, without further ado, let’s begin. How about we start by going around the room and introducing ourselves?

Each member of the group stands up and identifies themselves to the audience.

TWENTY-THREE:
And I am Twenty-three Skidoo, all about getting going while the getting’s good. Now, the purpose of this group is to open up about what challenges you face, what it is that—what questions seem to be on your mind.

SHE’S ALL THAT [ ‘ALL THAT’]: 
Like “why am I here?”

SHE SAID [under breath]:
I feel the same way.

Twenty-three looks around the room and sees a raised hand. ALL THAT speaks in a very defensive and agitated way.

TWENTY-THREE:
Go ahead, say more.

ALL THAT: 
Yeah, SHE’S ALL THAT here. I guess what really hits me is how people will use me disingenuously, like—and hear me out here—sometimes it so happens that the relationships in which the woman is told she is “all that”…well sometimes, she, in fact, is not “all that.” In fact, sometimes in these relationships, she’s not even a good part of that. She’s a partial that—At. Best. A fractional that. [exhaling heavily] I guess sometimes I just wonder if there’s meaning in anything anymore.

TWENTY-THREE [thoughtful]:
I see.

PRETENTIOUS [interrupting]:
What do you want? To be in a wedding vow? “I, Tony, hereby take you, Martha, for being ‘all that.”’

ALL THAT:
Hey, he’s attacking me!

CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE [‘FLIP SIDE’]:
Now hold on, there’re two sides to every story—Pretentious, do you care to respond?

PRETENTIOUS [nodding head]:
Oh, I was attacking her…

TWENTY-THREE:
Ok, we don’t need the sarcasm.

ALL THAT:
No that’s cool.

THAT’S COOL [shaking to attention]:
It wasn’t me…

ALL THAT:
I just want some legitimacy, something I can hold onto and use to define myself as meaningful.

SHE SAID [snorts]:
Please, you have it so good!

ALL THAT [more heated]:
Are you kidding me!? Can you even imagine the competition: “She’s hot.” “She’s a ten.” “She’s a fine little nasty thing who?”

All groan as Twenty-three clears his throat.

ALL THAT [flustered]:
You know, it doesn’t even make sense. Some of these phrases should be an insult: “She’s hot?” Oh, well that’s uncomfortable…”she’s a ten?” Out of ten? Why not an eleven? She should go up to eleven if she’s so “hot.” Why be confined by a base ten system?

ALL THAT:
Oh what do you know Gag? Do you have a whole group of people asking to be gagged with knives…is that really a worry of yours?

GAG [firm]:
Maybe.

ALL THAT:
Really? You don’t sound too confident about that.

GAG [overly dramatic]:
Maybe!

ALL THAT:
Well. [Pause] Gag me with a knife.

Both All That and Gag slouch down.

TWENTY-THREE:
You both have to let go.

ALL THAT:
You can’t go down to nothing when you were everything, when you were—one might say—[said too dramatically] all that. I mean, “she’s all that”…what’s that?

TWENTY-THREE [comforting]:
You are.

ALL THAT:
What?

TWENTY-THREE:
All that.

ALL THAT [whispering]:
I am.

TWENTY-THREE [not hearing well]:
What?

ALL THAT:
She’s all that.

TWENTY-THREE:
Who’s “she?”

ALL THAT:
Me.

TWENTY-THREE:
You’re all that?

ALL THAT:
Yeah.

TWENTY-THREE [upset at the misunderstandings]:
That’s what I said…

They stare in confusion. She Said raises his hand, catching Twenty-three’s attention.

TWENTY-THREE [to She Said]:
Yes?

SHE SAID:
Yeah, That’s What She Said.

GAG [confused]:
That one doesn’t make sense…

SHE SAID:
No that’s me. That’s who I am [he holds out his shirt]. I wasn’t making one of those stupid jokes.  Anyway…you know, you should all enjoy your retirements from where I’m standing [tweaks head] sitting. I’m had; I am so freaking had, but people keep using me.

GAG [turning to Tubular]:
I still can’t make it dirty…

SHE SAID:
It’s like beating a…a…a…

GAG [still thinking]:
There’s a joke here.

SHE SAID:
Dead horse. It’s like at the slightest provocation, people just want to reach for me…and pound me out!

GAG [looking upwards in deep thought]:
Dammit, I know there’s a joke here.

TUBULAR [idiotically smiling]:
That’s what she said.

SHE SAID [pauses in anger]:
Yes…yes…that is what she said. In fact, it is. It’s what she always freaking says! Do you think I get a moment’s peace? One moment? Oh look, we’re at a hot dog stand: “That’s a big hot dog jimmy has.” Oh, you’re doing dishes: “You’ll have to rub it harder if you want it to get off.” Oh, you’re sewing a nice dress for your friend and are trying to thread the needle: “Good! He finally got it in!”

Everyone but Twenty-three and NUTS is nodding sympathetically with suppressed smiles.

TUBULAR:
I don’t get the—ohhhh.

Beat.

SHE SAID:
You know it’s really hard.

Everyone else snickers.

TWENTY-THREE:
Yes, and we should just open up, and extend the greater part of ourselves to one another.

They are now fighting to hold back their laughter.

TWENTY-THREE:
You know, if everyone here can’t just let it all out, nobody’s going to get a release.

They’re on the verge of tears and the levy finally breaks. In response to their laughter, Gag responds with judgement:

GAG:
Man, that’s so whack.

In response to that, THAT’S SO WHACK takes the stage thinking Gag was calling on him.

THAT’S SO WHACK [‘WHACK’]:
Ok, I’ll go…I think for me, the real challenge comes with the triviality of my existence. I too just wonder what’s the authenticity of it all; why do we exist at all?  

TWENTY-THREE:
Well, people did use you with some frequency once. That served a purpose.

WHACK [getting very emotional]:
Yes, I’m a figment of the past, but you know…even then it was never anything serious. I feel like I should just end it all sometimes.

TWENTY-THREE:
Hey, let’s not go there.

GAG [looking at She Said]:
Yeah, let me cheer you up. I know a good joke.

WHACK:
No.

GAG:
Come on, you’ll die laughing.

Pause.

TWENTY-THREE [to Whack]:
Please continue.

WHACK [nearly in tears]:
What I was saying was…I’m a joke. It’s not like: “Oh, she failed out of college…that’s so whack,” or “He tested positive…that’s so whack’…or “Oh no, the baby didn’t make it…”

TWENTY-THREE:
I think we’re getting stuck in cycles of negativity.

WHACK:  
Look. I’m a modest man, but—

SHE SAID [aside]:
With due reason.

WHACK:
I just want to be taken seriously. I just really, really want to be taken seriously.

TWENTY-THREE [therapist voice]:
Mmhmm. Okay, so if I’m hearing you correctly, I think what you’re getting at is that you want to be taken more seriously.

WHACK:
Yes.

Whack starts to get emotional.

WHACK [cont.]:
Yes…and do you know what I get when I say this to people?

TWENTY-THREE:
No, what?

Pause.

WHACK [weakly, with tears]:
“Oh, that’s so whack…”

PRETENTIOUS [rolling his eyes]:
Oh brother.

WHACK:
Get out of here, Pretentious, you don’t have these problems.

PRETENTIOUS [sarcastically with wide eyes]:
I know.

A group of them jump on Pretentious.

SHE SAID [mad]:
See—he admits it!

ALL THAT [also mad]:
He shows it!

FLIP SIDE:
It’s true. Look at him! He’s honestly the thing most like itself I’ve ever seen.

PRETENTIOUS:
Please, you want a pompous jerk, wait until you meet Whom [then mumbling] always popping up on Who. 

She Said stands up from her chair.

SHE SAID:
Well, I for one won’t wait around for him to rub me raw.

Gag snorts with a laugh.

TWENTY-THREE:
No, look. Pretentious was a poor soul just like us, thrown around college campuses as frivolously as a Frisbee: Whenever somebody tried to start a rock band with a cello in it; whenever somebody proudly claimed they don’t own a television; whenever somebody tried to discuss science with a Republican. He’s just like us…maybe just a teensy bit better.

A round of groans follow.

SHE SAID:
Well now that you “outed” yourself as a human being P, now what?

PRETENTIOUS:
Get away from you bourgeois as soon as possible.

More groans as the room takes on a heated element. A few of them stand up and pace. They all begin to speak a little bit faster.

TWENTY-THREE:  
Hey. We all can be pretentious ourselves. In fact, some might even say that watching a group of out-of-date catchphrases airing out their woes in a support group could be considered a bit pretentious…

He glances to the audience.

Flip Side raises a hand.

FLIP SIDE:
Yes, Catch You On The Flip Side, the thing is we’re all getting older. You know, I had a girl ask me the other day if I was in reference to pancakes.

All groan.

FLIP SIDE:
Oh yeah, seriously, pancakes! [she repeats the line in an increasing madness] She asked if I was in reference to pancakes. She asked if it was in reference to pancakes that I was. In reference to pancakes did she ask, was I—

THAT’S COOL:
That’s so whack, man.

WHACK [confused]:
Huh?

FLIP SIDE:
It’s not like it’s hard to figure out. Plus, it’s even logical. Sometimes, I think kids want to be ignorant of the past. It’s like: what are they even thinking? That people used to have such an incredible lust for flapjacks that they developed an entire vernacular around throwing fried batter into the air for a visual symphony of yeast-baked patties!? That…that we all just sat around eating pancakes all day?

WHACK [genuinely into the idea of eating pancakes all day]:
That’s cool.

THAT’S COOL [Confused in turn]:
Huh?

FLIP SIDE:
I’ve been trying to work on some expansion strategies.

With a dumb grin, Tubular looks at an angry She Said.

FLIP SIDE:
Like trying to break into a hospital grief program or something…

Gag’s shocked.

FLIP SIDE:
No good?

GAG:
No, I think that’s a good idea.

FLIP SIDE:
Really? 

GAG:
Perhaps.

FLIP SIDE:
Really?

GAG [high-pitched]:
Well…

ALL THAT:
No, no, the kids these days don’t know anything…they think a record is only a collection of information on someone’s past.

THAT’S COOL:
It isn’t?

ALL THAT:
Or a CD is just an investment certificate.

TWENTY-THREE:
It’s not?

There’s a brief pause in the group as they exchange glances with one another.

GAG [slowly]:
I just thought I would be around forever, you know? 

Beat.

FLIP SIDE [seriously, quickly]:
No, I’m sorry. I just don’t see how you would think that.

GAG [talking to the air]:
Well I did, but life is just so fleeting. I thought it would just keep on expanding forever.

FLIP SIDE:
Expand?

GAG [seriously]:
Expand.

TWENTY-THREE:
Expand [in the sense of: “expand on that.”]

Everyone looks at She Said.

SHE SAID:
What? [everyone pauses and he gets angrier] What!?

Tubular hides a smile.

SHE SAID:
Okay, yuck it up. I ought to beat each and every one of you long and hard—

Everyone but Twenty-three laughs.

SHE SAID [still angry]:
I know you want to say it, but at least try keeping it in your mouth once before you immediately spit it out.

Again, everyone laughs.

TWENTY-THREE:
Okay. Let’s everyone calm down…

TWENTY-THREE[to Gag once they do]:
Please continue.

GAG:
I just thought I’d be big. You know, at first I was like a good music critique. Like: “Madonna? Gag me with a spoon.” “Pet Shop Boys? Gag me with a spoon.” I just thought it would follow into workplaces, something like: “These reports are due tomorrow ma’am…ah gag me with a spoon.” “Honey, the baby has a dirty diaper, gag me with a spoon!”

PRETENTIOUS:
You don’t think that’s a little too harsh for a baby maybe?

GAG [uttered with a smile]:
No, they’d say it jovially, like “ah…gag me with a spoon!”

TWENTY-THREE: 
I think a lot of us thought life would turn out differently. We all had these fantasies of what life would be like when we were younger…we still have some probably. But the important thing is to live the life we have.

Whack stares questionably at Twenty-three.

WHACK:
What’s your story anyway? I know we don’t have much time left, but quickly tell it to us, Twenty-three Skidoo.

TWENTY-THREE:
Actually in my time, we would have said “Tell it to us, Twenty-three skidoo!” [he means to use the phrase ‘twenty-three skidoo’ to indicate ‘quickly’].

Everyone’s confused as Twenty-three looks around the room.

WHACK [confused, a bit loudly]:
That’s what I said…

SHE SAID:
Well this is a little awkward.

TWENTY-THREE [to She Said]: 
Okay, again let’s not be too loud.

PRETENTIOUS [cackling as if everyone will agree with him]:
More like obstreperous!

TWENTY-THREE [to Pretentious]:
That’s so…”off.”

WHACK:
No, [pointing to himself] it’s That’s So Whack.

TWENTY-THREE:
No, what I meant was “let’s get going.” [here he means to say what he—as a phrase—meant in the past].

WHACK:
You mean we should all leave?

TWENTY-THREE:
Basically. I mean “let’s hurry up and go.” [again, he’s only defining himself.]

WHACK:
Okay then.

A group of them get up to go. Twenty-three stops them all frantically. The following page plays out incredibly quick—a chaos of words that is meant to be difficult to follow for comedic effect (but does make sense to the sharp watcher).

TWENTY-THREE [flustered]:
No, no! I mean, who I am.

ALL THAT:
Twenty-three Skidoo.

TWENTY-THREE:
Exactly.

WHACK:
Exactly what?

TWENTY-THREE:
Hurry up and go.

WHACK:
Okay.

He moves to get up again.

TWENTY-THREE:
No, that’s off.

WHACK [pointing to himself]:
No, That’s So Whack.

TWENTY-THREE:
Call it what you like. But sit down.

WHACK [confused]:
You don’t mean let’s hurry up and go?

TWENTY-THREE [pointing to himself]:
No, I do: Twenty-three Skidoo.

WHACK:
O—KAY. That’s what we were doing.

The chairs scrape again as they get up.

TWENTY-THREE [grimaces]:
That’s off.

WHACK:
It’s That’s So Whack!

TWENTY-THREE:
It’s Twenty-three Skidoo!

WHACK:
I KNOW!

TWENTY-THREE:
Me too!

WHACK:
Then why are we arguing?!

TWENTY-THREE:
We’re not!

Twenty-three bows his head and rubs his temples in exasperation.

TWENTY-THREE:
When I said, “that’s what I meant,” I didn’t mean I—as I stand here before you—wanted you all to hurry up and go. I was trying to say that that’s what I meant. My name means by definition “let’s hurry up and go, especially when the going’s good.”

Pause as She Said chuckles.

TWENTY-THREE [sighing]:
Let’s stop the laughing. I also don’t want to be the butt of some cheap joke in our Phrases Only Once Popular meeting. That’s not what P.O.O.P. is all about!

She Said snorts with a greater laugh.

SHE SAID [arms crossed]:
Oh, this is nuts.

IT’S THE NUTS snaps awake.

IT’S THE NUTS [‘Nuts’]:
Huh?

THAT’S COOL [in faux-intellectualism]:
I think what Twenty-three Skidoo is trying to say is that he’d like us all to be sadder.

TWENTY-THREE [losing his cool]:
No, that’s not at all what I’m trying to say.

THAT’S COOL [throwing up her hands]:
That’s cool.

FLIP SIDE [to the others]:
Did she just refer to herself in the third person?

THAT’S COOL:
That’s cool.

FLIP SIDE [pausing a moment as anger builds]:
You know…why don’t you just get out of here? You don’t belong here. You were never even unpopular.

THAT’S COOL:
That’s cool.

She moves to exit.

TWENTY-THREE [genuinely]:
No, sit down. We’re here for support—all of us.

As Twenty-three says ‘sit down,’ Nuts slowly begins to rise. There’s a sort of reverence about him. He then spends a long time clearing his throat to speak. However, when he goes to speak, his voice cracks anyway.

NUTS:
Look. I’ve been around for a longer than any of you. People have been saying “it’s the nuts” before…sliced bread came along. But if there’s one thing I can tell you, it’s that the world is a cold place. It’ll throw you away as quickly as a …discarded peanut shell.

Beat.

FLIP SIDE:
Oh, that’s crazy. I think at its core, the world has good intentions.

PRETENTIOUS:
That’s crazy.

NUTS [starting to get worked up]:
No, see, I have nothing to do with insanity! [Pause] This is what always happens to me. [he smacks his hand down] It’s not “that’s crazy,” it’s not “that’s nuts,” it’s It’s The Nuts. It’s an expression of praise.

PRETENTIOUS:
This is nuts.

NUTS:
THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEAN!

TUBULAR:
I know sitting here is like getting whacked in the—

Whack looks confused at Tubular.

NUTS:
—That’s enough! As you say, That’s So Whack!

Whack gasps then looks at Nuts.

TWENTY-THREE:
Okay. Let’s take pause. [long pause] It’s The Nuts, do you think pure contradiction is helping the matter here?

NUTS:
Oh, now you want me to say what I think, huh? Now, you want to hear what I have to say—on your terms? You have the audacity to interrupt me, to speak aloud and interrupt us all, to confront me as to what I’m doing—all the while assuming this fatherly role as the great guidance counselor to hear us all out as we ramble on and on and uh…what was the question again?

They groan.

Twenty-three is visibly stressed out as the tension rises in the room.

TWENTY-THREE:
Let’s have somebody else take the floor who hasn’t gone. We have yet to get to our friend over here, ah…Mr. Tubular, is it?

SHE SAID: [under breath]:
It’s certainly not Dr. Tubular.

Tubular nods his head like an idiot.

TUBULAR:
Tubular.

The below contain two different conversations: Nuts and She Said speak quietly to each other. Twenty-three and Tubular speak loudly:

NUTS [grumbling]:
Like I’m ever going to believe there’s any value in hearing from these people speak.

SHE SAID:
And I suppose you think your address last month was any better?

TWENTY-THREE:
Is it difficult?

TUBULAR:
No. It’s…Tubular.

NUTS:
Oh, I think it was pretty good. I seem to remember I reduced them all to tears.

TWENTY-THREE:
Do you worry about it?

SHE SAID [mumbling]:
I don’t think those were tears of joy.

Nuts glares at She Said.

TUBULAR:
It’s…Tubular…

Twenty-three talks much louder to Tubular.

TWENTY-THREE:
I know. But, focusing, is there anything bothering you? Anything on your mind? Anything you want to talk about? How do you feel?

Beat.

TUBULAR [as if this is a dumb question]:
Tubular.

She Said stands up and interrupts.

SHE SAID:
Okay, let’s call it a day. I don’t think any of us are going to get anywhere. Uh, ever.

TWENTY-THREE:
See I don’t believe that. We all get forgotten, but we all live on in some way. You know some people don’t even know what I mean anymore.

Pause.

PRETENTIOUS:
Oh, I’m sorry, were we supposed to be surprised?

TWENTY-THREE [deflated]:
No, the twenties were a long time ago.

SHE SAID [pointing to Nuts]:
Twenties, like nut man over here.

NUTS:
Say it again, and I swear to God, I will—

SHE SAID [interrupting]:
Oh you Blowhard.

Tubular leans over and speaks to Gag.

TUBULAR:
That’s what she said, she said.

ALL THAT [to Tubular]:
What are you quoting Lennon now?

THAT’S COOL [to All That]:
Who?

NUTS:
Okay, this is the end—

Nuts takes a big breath midsentence.

THAT’S COOL [repeating to All That]:
Who?

NUTS:
—of my patience. I’m going to give you a piece of my mind.

SHE SAID:
That won’t take long.

From this point forward the action is a mile a minute. If anything, each page should be read in double time.

TWENTY-THREE [trying to break the fight]: 
She’s All That, did you have a question?

TWENTY-THREE:
Who?

NUTS [defending All That to She Said]:
At least she’s not like you, who just wants to start an argument every time he enters a room.

SHE SAID:
No, I don’t.

NUTS:
See! He’s arguing again.

SHE SAID:
Who?

NUTS:
You!

SHE SAID:
Me.

NUTS:
Don’t change the subject.

TWENTY-THREE [to All That]:
Okay, please continue…

Nuts, not looking at Twenty-three, thinks he’s referring to him.

NUTS:
Happily…

TWENTY-THREE:
Not you!

ALL THAT:
I’m ready to shoot myself—

The room gasps as Whack nods vigorously and utters a ‘mmhmm’

ALL THAT:
—a smile at hard times, but do you know what it’s like—

TUBULAR:
Yes.

SHE’S ALL THAT:
—to have your biggest moment be a Freddie Prince Jr. movie?

TUBULAR:
No.

SHE SAID:
Yeah, if you’re hearing this in the present, you probably have no idea who he is.

NUTS:
I wish I had no idea who you were.

SHE SAID:
Nice one gramps—or should I say, “it’s a nutty one?”

NUTS [growling]: 
One more word, and I’ll teach you a lesson even you won’t forget.

SHE SAID:
Try me.

NUTS:
I’ll catch you on the flip side, junior.

FLIP SIDE [excited her name was used]:
Oh, hot damn.

SHE SAID [yelling]:
Sit down flapjacks!

Flip Side gasps.

NUTS:
Yeah, I don’t think he wants any flapjacks. He’s about to eat some of his words instead.

TWENTY-THREE: 
For the last time, sit down! Do we have to have this stupid violent feud every time you’re together?

ALL THAT:
Violent?

NUTS:
Violent?

Beat.

TUBULAR:
Stupid?

SHE SAID [to Nuts, but Twenty-three thinks it’s to him]:
You don’t like it. Hurry up and leave then.

TWENTY-THREE:
No, my name is…oh God, I can’t explain it again.

TUBULAR:
Why not?

NUTS:
I refuse to sit here if I’m going to be disrespected to my face.

SHE SAID [mumbling]:
I can say it behind your back if you want…

NUTS [not hearing]:
WHAT?

In the following, the action slows down a little as Nuts and Twenty-three consistently mishear each other with a slower pace.

TWENTY-THREE:
It’s The Nuts, let’s sit down and talk this over quick.

NUTS:
You what?

TWENTY-THREE:
I said let’s sit down and talk this over quick.

NUTS:
Oh I thought you said “let’s get down and get this over with.”

TWENTY-THREE:
Huh?

NUTS:
I said, I thought you said, “lets get down and get this over with.”

TWENTY-THREE:
Oh, I thought you thought that I thought you said “I’m done and over quick.”

NUTS:
“I’m done and over quick,” what?

TWENTY-THREE:
What?

Big inhale as Nuts then meticulously explains.

NUTS: 
I thought you thought I thought you thought I was ready to be done and do it quick and not that I thought you didn’t think I thought you thought to sit down and talk this over quick.

Beat.

TWENTY-THREE [agreeably]:
No. I thought that.

SHE SAID [interrupting]:
I’m leaving.

TWENTY-THREE:
No, no, no. Freeze right there. You two make up first.

SHE SAID [to Nuts]:
You. [Pause] You are the biggest—

NUTS: 
Spare me your platitudes.

SHE SAID:
—moron I have ever met!

TWENTY-THREE:
Come on, I’m asking you to say something nice to one another and instead of that you’re getting choked up on these knives you feel the need to keep throwing at one another.

GAG [to All That]:
I told you!

NUTS [smiling insincerely]: 
Ohhh, I have no hard feelings. I think you are a wonderful phrase that has blessed the world with comedic genius.

SHE SAID:
You son of a bitch. I’m immune to all flattery. I know I’m not any good!

NUTS [to Pretentious]:
Can you believe what this idiot is saying?

PRETENTIOUS:
I—I feel this is below me.

SHE SAID:
You would! [scoffing] Below me.

GAG:
That is what she said…

SHE SAID:
No, I didn’t.

FLIP SIDE:
This is nuts.

She Said eggs Nuts on with a smirking look.

NUTS:
I swear to God.

Nuts gets up and chases him.

SHE SAID [to Nuts]:
You’re nuts!

NUTS:
It’s It’s The Nuts! It’s It’s The Nuts! What is the mental block you people have when it involves talking about nuts?

Pretentious just sort of tilts his head.

THAT’S COOL:
Stop this fighting! So he said that about you. So what? That’s cool.

ALL THAT [to That’s Cool]:
Yes, we know who you are. You wouldn’t shut up about it the whole night!

TWENTY-THREE:
Everybody stop it!

Nuts runs forward towards She Said again.

THAT’S COOL:
Hey, don’t do it.

NUTS:
I wasn’t going to do—

THAT’S COOL:
Do you think I’m stupid?

NUTS:
Thinking as the operative verb would imply the possibility of doubt…

Long pause.

THAT’S COOL:
What are you trying to say?

NUTS [mumbling]:
Never mind, I think you’re too stupid to get it.

TWENTY-THREE [loudly but still ignored]:
Stop it!

THAT’S COOL [ending the argument]:
That’s cool.

ALL THAT [to That’s Cool]:
You know, you actually should have expired back in the 90s with me.

THAT’S COOL:
Oh yeah, well, the 2000s are the new 90s.

TUBULAR [counting]:
Duh!

TWENTY-THREE:  
I SAID STOP IT! Can we all just calm down and try to form some empathetic unity here? I’m asking you to say something nice to one another and instead of that you’re getting choked up on these spoo—knives you feel the need to keep throwing at one another. Might it be because you’re upset with yourselves? Might it be we’re all looking for a meaning in all this, tired of being old and feeling useless? Might it be because we’re all facing an existential crisis? And instead of realizing that we’re all in the same boat, we’re instead picking fights?

They all get silent.

TWENTY-THREE:
You know, we all have our challenges. I know what it’s like to be had, to be misused and unused. But you can’t let your worth come from outside. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. We all have high times and low times. We all feel like we’re on top of the world some days and down in the gutter some other days, and instead of arguing about who’s more lame or out of date or useless, who was higher when they were high [Tubular subtlety smiles], we should be supporting each other. Supporting each other to realize that the important thing is managing it all and finding value in ourselves.

 Beat. They all start to speak slowly then.

THAT’S COOL [shyly]:
That’s cool.

TWENTY-THREE:
Heck yes it is. We all are.

THAT’S COOL:
No, I—

FLIP SIDE:
Yeah, who in a support group argues with that group anyway…That’s So Whack?

Whack looks over at her, but catches Pretentious first.

PRETENTIOUS:
I didn’t have that come out of my mouth. That’s what she said [Pointing to Flip Side, but catches She Said instead]

SHE SAID [to Pretentious]:
You had to go there.

WHACK:
Thank god Don’t Go There wasn’t invited to group.

GAG [morosely]:
No…he was told to not go there.

ALL THAT:
I would have invited him, but I don’t have any friends—

WHACK [quickly]:
Me either.

ALL THAT:
—that have his new number.

WHACK [embarrassed]:
Oh…

FLIP SIDE [to Gag]:
That’s cold man.

THAT’S COOL [to Flip Side, but catches Nuts instead]:
You mean that’s cool?

NUTS [touched, softly rambling on his name]:
Sort of. It is cool…it is very cool. I mean you could say it is cool, but—

THAT’S COOL: —That’s Cool.

Again, there’s a brief pause between them all.

FLIP SIDE: 
Well, that’s time. Let’s hurry this up and get out of here…

After a brief pause, Twenty-three slowly ekes the following out, just as they all erupt into indiscernible arguments.

TWENTY-THREE:
No, it’s actually Twenty-three…

End of Play.

✶✶✶✶

Michael T. Smith is an English assistant professor who teaches both writing and film courses. He has published over 200 pieces (poetry and prose) in over 100 different journals. He loves to travel.